Spare a Thought
Dominants are tough, hard, expressionless, devoid of emotion, aren't they?
Many seem to have this picture of Doms as these kind of underworld hitmen characters who have no feelings, no remorse, no conscience.
This week has been a tough one, with work and lack of sleep, and all the usual daily life crap. Add to that there was a need to discipline my cleo. Now to discipline in the sense I mean cannot happen when the kids are about, and as it's half term here this week, we had to wait till they went off with their dad for a few days. So last night was the first opportunity since the transgression happened on Sunday. I had told cleo that we would do this, and that of course was accepted. We had spoken about it too (something we always do, and which makes our relationship special) prior, in that we both kind of knew what was going to happen, and why.
The fact was that we had lost our relative positions within the M/s relationship, and those needed reinforcing. So, at the appointed time cleo was administered the discipline, in a very intense, and very high tension hour or so. For both of us this time is very focussed, and enables each to get our M/s perspective back. For cleo, it's about submission, and accepting Master's will. For me it's about Dominance, and about creating control (which may well have been lost).
To hurt the one you love, and this is a perrenial question, how can this be. Well, as I have said before, its about needs, and fulfillment. For me, I have to become quite detached and non-emotive. This enables me to look past the tears, and continue what I know to be the right actions. I am not sure how I achieve it, although I do, but thinking about it today, I believe that there is far more happeneing inside my head than I realised. To push ones slave to tears, and beyond, where she is mentally wrecked by the pain and mental pressure that I am forcing upon her is no easy thing. It would be too easy to stop half way, and say "That's enough", but what would this achieve? Nothing! Unless the job (because tht is what it is essentially) is done to completion, it's not worth starting in the first place.
Now, today and at the time of writing some 24 hours after the fact, i have been feeling really low, down in the dumps, and emotionally drained. Sitting here at the pc, it suddenly occurred to me that maybe this was a reaction to the intensity of the discipline thing yesterday.
I can't say that i have ever suffered from any sort of "drop" before, but I have seen the effects in my cleo , of subdrop, after intense subspace experiences, and it may well be that this is the case for me today.The conflict within my head between doing what was required, and the lifelong conditioning I have of not hurting others, may well have created this, who knows? So, spare a thought for us Dominants, who are not always the big flogger wielding baddies we seem to be made out to be. We have feelings, and emotions too, and maybe, just maybe, we care too much sometimes? Or maybe we should be prepared to admit at least that we do care, and that what we do affects us in more ways than we might actually be prepared to show.