24/7 Perspective

A D/s lifestyle is about choices that each and every one of us makes. We all choose from within the basic concept that which is right for us: no way is right, no way is wrong, each to their own, as we all so often say. Our way may not be any better than your way. We live this lifestyle every day of our lives. It's not a game , and it's not part time.

Although we all have a right to make our own choices, our own way of living D/s, it is only if we actually live it as a part of our lives, and not fantasise about it that the essential concepts of the reality can be appreciated. We see all too often the "playing" at being D/s: the kink, the sexual fantasy, the escapism". The truth is that without the reality, the basic concept from which we all have the right to make our choices, is not there. Fantasy is just that: "lets play". Reality is "I am a sub", or "I am a Dom/me" and with that knowledge we can make our choice, to take the pick of the bits that work for us.

In the beginning we all start at the same place: with no knowledge or experience at all. From there those who want to learn and keep learning, and expanding their knowledge base will attempt to find every scrap of information available, and always be prepared to seek new ideas and concepts. D/s in its most basic form is divided into two very distinct camps: those who do, and those who say they do. Those who do, don't have to shout about all the great things in their D/s lives, they are secure in the knowledge of what they have. Those who do not have the patience, stamina, vision or desire or the inclination to work towards that goal, can never be "D/s reality". In truth it is experience of the basic concepts of BDSM that is the cornerstone of this lifestyle.

D/s is dynamic. It evolves as each person's views and experiences enable them to grow and accommodate what they have discovered for themselves. In our view "D/s Reality" is not achieved until you have actually experienced it, with no option for it not to be there. Up to this point its all about learning, and finding out what works for you, and how you can develop strategies that make things happen. It can be viewed as a distinct and separate thing. For example when your D/s play is at an end and the Master returns to wherever he came from, you then have a non D/s time, Each time this happens you have a breathing space, time to reflect, catch up.

D/s reality is not like that. It is there, all day every day. It never goes away. It has to fit around all the regular daily things: work, shopping, kids, dinner, overdrafts, family crises, and a million other things. Because there is no breathing space these things cannot be left until the D/s stops. They have to be dealt with as part of the ongoing relationship.

At the point when you sit down and say to yourselves "We are going to live this lifestyle" you really have no idea what it will be like, even whether it will work or not. So, they take the plunge and move in with a partner. It will come as no surprise to find that the D/s goes out the window totally, for a while, because there are so many other more immediate things that need to get sorted first: the natural finding-out about each other that always happens in a new relationship. Then, and only then you say "Now, let's fit some D/s in here", and you remember that's what drove you to this point in the first place. And the knowledge that you have this need is there with you all the time. It can no longer surface like it did for 48 hours at a stretch when you had purposely cleared the decks so you could live a D/s weekend.

Having got to this point one then learns to appreciate much more the intensity of a D/s relationship. It becomes more precious than before, because it has to be distilled into a smaller time, or space. What we mean here is that although you are living together you don't have the opportunity to clear the decks because everything else has a terrible habit of getting in the way. In many cases the relationship becomes far closer when this happens, and we learn to value every moment for itself. We try to get the most out of each episode. How can we do that? By communicating, honestly, and openly about what every little nuance means to us, and how we are affected by it.

This moment in the relationship is when the D/s changes. It changes from the fantasy world of what we all would love it to be, to something that is real and workable. Not only does it become workable, it takes on a sensibility that it had not had before. It becomes elevated to a much higher level in the scheme of things. It begins to fall into perspective: the idea, for example, of punishment. Punishment is emotive, and is viewed in as many different ways as there are people who think about it. Many joke about it, saying "Master will punish me", "I have been bad" etc etc. Misbehave on a Monday and when Friday comes around its probably forgotten. It's not like that in real life. When you are together all the time misbehaviour incurs disapproval there and then. If every incident that incurred disapproval were to end in some form of punishment the 24/7 sub would be permanently black and blue but because no one, not even a sub, is perfect (they have opinions, and they should be allowed to express them openly) some Masters could if they so wished, show disapproval, in the form of punishment: hence one constantly punished sub. Not true, in D/s Reality it doesn't work like that; the "crime" has to be a valid "crime", there has to be a real reason to be punished, a major infraction. If punishment is used too often for minor things it becomes the norm not the exception. Those who do not understand this will all too often use the excuse of punishment for any little misbehaviour because it seems to be the accepted way in online D/s.

In D/s Reality you cannot run away from it. You don't have anywhere to hide; you cannot go home and forget it for 3 days, then make up on line, so that the next time you meet it's all ok! The reality is that the children still need to be looked after, dinner still needs to be cooked, and however badly you may feel you still have to look each other in the eye, and understand why this happened. It's about face to face and having nowhere to go except closer. You cannot run away from it. That's D/s Reality.

We offer this as our perspective on a few of the dynamics of D/s. We do hope you will do us the honour of considering our words and reflecting on them…

© D/s Seekers